By: Amit Mohan, MD.
You saw something at the park that may have worried you, like your child grabbing a ball out of another kid’s hands. You bring it up on the drive home, and within seconds your child is staring out the window with their arms crossed. You may feel stuck, because you know the feedback matters but you can see your child has stopped listening.
Most kids react this way to correction at some point. Hearing that you did something wrong doesn’t feel good, and your child may shut down the moment they sense they’re in trouble. If you want to know how to give your child feedback they can take in, the following tips may help.
Keep feedback to one or two sentences
Imagine you only get to give one or two sentences of feedback before your child tunes you out. That limit pushes you to be short and specific when giving feedback. In this example, you can skip the long explanation of why grabbing is rude and say, “Next time, try asking for a turn with the ball.”
Use a calm tone and relaxed body language
Your child may read your body before they hear your words. If you cross your arms, raise your voice or stand over them, they may get defensive before you’ve said anything. Before you start giving the feedback, try to keep your voice low and slow, and keep your posture relaxed.
Find the kind of connection that works for your child
You may have learned to ask for eye contact during serious talks. Some kids do fine with that. Others shut down when they’re asked to look at you, and they may listen better if you sit side by side, maybe with a hand on their shoulder. What matters is that your child can tell they have your full attention and that this is a calm talk between the two of you.
Keep the feedback about today
When you’re frustrated, you may want to connect today’s problem to last month’s meltdown. Your child may hear that as proof they always mess up, or feel like you’re keeping track of everything they get wrong. That may make them shut down even faster. Talk about what happened today and leave older problems out of it.
Wait for a calm moment
Feedback may go better when everyone has eaten, is rested and has time to talk. Some people call this striking while the iron is cold. When your child is hungry, tired or still upset, they may have a hard time thinking clearly, and even gentle feedback may feel like an attack. The same goes for you. If you’re frustrated, your words may come out sharper than you mean them to. When you wait until you’re both calm, your child may have an easier time listening and thinking about what you said.
When feedback keeps turning into a fight
If every conversation where you give feedback ends in a shutdown or an argument with your child, you may want to pause the feedback for a while. Spend relaxed one-on-one time together and point out what your child does well. Once your child feels more connected to you, your feedback may be easier for them to hear.
Praise may also help your child get more comfortable hearing feedback from you. When most of what your child hears from you is positive, a correction may feel like a small part of the conversation. Here are a few ways praise may help.
- When you notice your child’s effort, like “You kept trying even when the puzzle got hard,” you show them you see what they’re doing right.
- If you give your child several positive comments for every correction, feedback may feel like a smaller part of what they hear from you.
- If you start with something your child did well, they may be more willing to stay in the conversation when the correction comes.
You may also notice that the struggles go beyond how you deliver feedback. Your child may melt down over small corrections from you, their teachers or their coaches, or they may seem unable to take in what anyone says. Trouble with attention, anxiety or managing big feelings may make feedback harder for some kids to hear. A psychiatric or psychological evaluation can look at whether attention, anxiety or mood is part of the picture and what kind of support may fit.
Common questions about giving kids feedback
Q: Should I correct my child in front of their friends?
A: In most cases, you should not correct your child in front of their friends. Your child may feel embarrassed if you correct them in front of other kids. A quick private word, or a talk after the friend leaves, may work better.
Q: My child says “I know” and walks away every time. What does that mean?
A: Your child may feel like the feedback was too much at once. Try cutting it down to one sentence and pairing it with praising something they did well.
Q: How do I know if my child needs more than coaching at home?
A: If your child has a hard time with feedback from everyone, including teachers and coaches, it may start to affect other parts of their life. They may struggle to learn from mistakes at school, clash with coaches or lose friends over the same problems again and again. If you’re seeing that, you may want to talk with a clinician about an evaluation.
ARC Psychiatry offers psychiatric evaluations, therapy and psychological testing across Northeast Ohio, with telemedicine available statewide. Call us to talk through what you’re seeing, and we’ll help you figure out where to start.